The Watering Hole

I recall a local Zambian watering-hole called Municipal Sports club (Muni’s) with fondness. It’s where all the “who’s who” of Lusaka would congregate to drink and supposedly solve the world’s social ills. This was a ritual to get ready for the rest of the night. The preparatory bantering and arguing -while under the influence of a lot of alcohol- would lead to more drinking, arguing and the occasional fist fights.

Saying guys would solve world issues may seem fat fetched. However to state otherwise would be to cheat the many men gathered of their prime belief -that their voice mattered. To suggest they keep the discourse on a country level would not give credit to the assembled intellect. Conversations were not focus on local politics unless it was about our beloved football which always involves politics.

Any topic could be engaged with some expert discourse. What is happening in Kyrgyzstan? You’d get an answer. How does that spill in the Puget Sound affect the environment? Another answer. Why have the World Bank’s policies not worked in Somalia? You would get an answer. How did Bush win the election? You would get an answer? Is the AIDS virus manufactured? Answer. Note; there is nothing in my writing that suggests that the answers proffered would make any sense, but, you would certainly get the bar-side politician point-of-view. I have seen many a fight manifest when a person over-questioned the veracity of an answer.

You see there’s a machismo in drinking your 14^th beer, still having the ability to hold yourself straight while having a somewhat lucid conversation. Your peers are usually more in respect of your constant gulping and call for another beer than they are of your scope of knowledge. Now if you can also chat up girls while almost motherless and drunk, you’ve kicked it up a notch. Therein would lay the key to your success; beer, girls and the ability to argue.

I neglect to mention that while rambling at about 2AM in the morning, many of these ‘intelligent’ gentlemen had wives and children at home. If they were true believers, then they walked into the house after work just long enough to drop off their briefcase and maybe, change their clothes. Otherwise, it was straight to the watering hole. The die-hards would not even go home. It would be a straight line from the office to the club. The round table discussions would be in session. Presence at these conferences was vital. Upon arrival back at home around 4AM, there was an accepted expectation that wives wake up to ensure that each pundit did not sleep without food. Needless to say that each conference panelist would have already availed himself of numerous items from the club kitchen.

The watering hole fed the macho attitude bred into many young Zambian men. Negative attitudes and ideologies towards women were nurtured here. “Yes, it’s a man’s right to have more than one woman. In fact, it’s expected.” We became well versed in the game of cat and mouse. Intricate battle details were shared between sips of Mosi (local brew). We were taught how to avoid being caught if your girlfriend showed up at the club -while you were working another girl- “here’s what you do.” Mountains -of what then seemed like useful information- was piled into our heads. Its sole purpose was to build us into the drunken, womanizing, briefcase businessmen we were destined to become. Love was considered a sign of weakness, “So she dumped you because she caught you with another girl? Forget that @#$%, there are many other chicks!” You dare not respond to this with, “But I love her!” This could cause you to be heckled and derided for the rest of the night. “Here have another drink!”

So now, having evolved into a Christian, wife loving, immersed father, I look back and wonder how we made it this far. We should be dead. Many guys continue/d to play Russian roulette with sex in an environment rife with AIDS. Many of the pundits have died, or are dying. If you are familiar with the way some African countries address this crisis then you will know that it is considered an unmentionable. When you ask how a pundit died you will be told, “He was in and out of the hospital.” That is the complete answer. Very few will actually say, “It was AIDS!”

So you may ask, what has happened now. Has the club closed? Are there no more pundits left? Has there been a change in attitudes? The answer to this may scare even the strongest of heart. The pundits are still there, lined up waiting in the wings to take an available chair. So we spill a little beer for our fallen comrades., those who listened to the bad advice and died too soon, those whose children have never heard the words "I love you", those who didn't designate a driver and never made it home, those whose wives have left them. In the immortal words of a popular rapper, "This is for ma homies!" or in the language of my forefathers and one of my brethren standing at the Muni's bar “Iwe barman; leta ubwalwa!” - (Hey barman, bring more beer).

Written by Soneka K Kamuhuza©2005

Sing Tenor

Who sang this damn song?

I don’t like the words

The beats too fast, the drums all mashed

A disconcerting pitch, a whiny twang

Shut up and let me try to catch up

What’s the matter with this melody?

Don’t want to hear your version

It’s bad enough on its own

Lip synching won’t change anything

It sucks, you sound insane

Forgot that you had to have talent?

To have your chance at glory and fame

Picked out some outfits, tried a new game

Trying to represent? What a shame

Noticed no one singing along?

You’ve misrepresented yourself

Hardly can pronounce your name

You’re not on a billboard, heck not even a sham

You’re still that loser, no hip in your step

Singing loud doesn’t make you heard, it creates more noise

So how about you sing tenor

Ten’or fifteen miles away

Or solo, so low we can’t hear you

The again, your best bet is bass

Basically not at all

Soneka Kamuhuza 2008©

Loves Music

We’re dancing through life rifts, rhythm in song

On wings from an angel, subtly concealed

Love is an organ, unique in its sound

To kiss deep in alto, hearts filled with bass

If this isn’t your song, the melody’s wrong

We’re in legato, the harmony’s grown

Dreams are the reason, to keep swaying in sync

Each reason for living is etched in this tune

Sopranos are listening, to join us in throng

But that’s just what love is, a symphony strong

You know about this love thing

How it sometimes goes wrong

Nimble fingers can play the wrong key, skip a refrain

Miscued love beats, misguided metronome

Raise your voice forte, the song has begun

Your loves in full measure, C sharp has won

What voice do we use, to rhyme with this tune?

Soprano seems obvious, but baritones past

Convene with the altos to back up the sound

My loves in your bass clef for harmonic sound

Touch my crescendo, only you know how dolce

Enfatico to my heart, octaves crashing an eighth

Fill me with your lyrics, andante each line

I want to hear your ivory, both black and in white

So again in this stanza, I call out your name.

Play me your love song, that sweet chorale sound

Written by –Soneka K. Kamuhuza©

Dear Employee

I recently called the Human Resources (HR) department to discuss what to do about your tired behind. You see when you were employed, we gave you a job description. Yes, it's that piece of paper that outlines the very things that you are expected to do for your paycheck. It's not very complicated. You do this, we'll do that. I'm still struggling with the you do this part, because as of today, I'm wondering what we pay you for.

In my conversations with HR they have failed to recognize the fact that I really don't think you have any leg to stand on. I firmly believe that an illustration of your mediocre work ethic and Venn diagram of where your tardiness and laziness intersect would convince anyone to fire you. After all, you're trifling, constantly late, barely here when you are here and as they say in the vernacular, suck. Being around you has become like sucking on Zimbabwean lemons in a drought. I apologize if these letter comes as a surprise to you, but my smile has simply been because if I cried, it would happen every day and I might get committed.

I am convinced that somewhere in your past you must have been adopted by sloths. You see the sloth predominantly lives in one tree. He is so lazy and slow that fungi grow on him. That accounts for that greenish film on him. In fact there is a particular insect that is able to live its whole life cycle on a sloth. The easiest way to locate a sloth in the jungle is to look for a pile of dung at the base of a tree and then look up. You see, once in a while he makes the slow decent down to the base of the tree to relieve himself and then slowly goes back up. Did I tell you he hangs upside down for most of his life? I have to confess, I have come by your desk looking to see if you have a pile of dung underneath it. Your work seems very reminiscent of someone who has blood rushing away from their head and to their lower extremities ala sloth.

Personally I have nothing against you except your employment. You see I was raised to understand the relationship between work and compensation. In the bible there is a parable about a servant who is given one talent (coin) by his master and told to do something with it. Well when the master comes back he has done nothing with it. So the master basically rebukes him because at the least, he could have put it in the bank and received some interest. The master also takes his talent and gives it to the servant who had the sense to multiply his talents. Of course the lazy servants argument is that the master is a hard man and he was scared etc. Moral of the story? You -my one talent returning friend- are lazy.

Most lazy people have one thing in common, an entitlement complex. A root disease that leads them to believe that there is something about them that should make other people put up with their crap. Some believe they can get by on looks, friendship, personality or good grace. It is a deep seeded misconception that takes root and doesn't seem to allow said person to see through the shrubs. In most humans we have a subconscious, conscious, and creative subconscious. Our subconscious acts automatically, our conscious makes us aware and our creative subconscious ensures that we act like us. The creative part is the part that tries to keep us normal -as we believe we are. That's why there are many crazy people who can't stand their medicine, because it does not make them feel like themselves as they see themselves. Normal. See the irony? So in your case, you're lazy. You draw the inference.

Now please understand, life is quite complicated I am aware of that, but it appears that you have more turns than an Irish maze or an Arab sheikh picking a wife for the night. Your ethical myopia allows you to collect a check for negligible output and professional sabotage. You're what we call a professional terrorist, blowing up productive environments in your wake. Just to be helpful I'll give you some much needed advice. Work has some very simple rules I'd like to help you understand;

1. Come to work on time.
2. Leave work on time.
3. Lunch is an hour long.
4. Do what the boss tells you to do.
5. Complete your work on time.
6. Come to work regularly.
7. Write in English.
8. Speak clearly and effectively.
9. Come to work regularly.
10. Leave your #$%^ family problems at home.

I realize that leaving this letter laying around for you to find seems harsh and cruel, but I'm sure the severe slapping fit would not have sufficed either. I am recognizing more and more just how lucky our organization is to have found me. Given your track record, how would they have made a profit? Nevertheless, you are here and we have to find a middle ground between jump starting you or throwing you out a window. This is my attempt at the latter.

Economics 101

It has become quite clear that no matter what George Bush says, we are in a recession. I don't blame him though for thinking otherwise. After all, he doesn't buy gas, has been living rent and mortgage free for almost eight years, has frequent flier miles on the most comfortable aircraft in the American skies and probably doesn't shop for clothes. His food is free, and he doesn't pay for laundry detergent. So it is quite apparent that he would not recognize a recession if it slapped him in his wallet. This in one of the most economically trying times in many years and it is amazing to hear that the esteemed President is clueless. According to him, we're in an economic slow down.

Laced in the vitriol of conversation is the acknowledgment that every conceivable good and service has been affected by the price of gas. From milk to the soft ice-cream cone I buy every year at the start of Spring costs more. Yes, even the kiddie size one that used to cost $1.25 is now $1.50. Forget about the groceries and consumables that us everyday folk require; messing with my ice-cream is just unconscionable. Recently, George "Dubyah" traveled to Saudi Arabia. His visit must have had some impact; because the price of gas has gone up. I imagine he said something to tick them off. Something like, "We're not pulling out of Iraq," would do the trick. As a common man I have been beaten down by what clearly appears to be the most oppressive economic downturn in the past 30 years.

Dubyah isn't feeling it though, he's in the top three percent. Three percent? That's that oily film that floats to the top when you make a really good stew. Those are the guys that congress is calling to hearings and questioning. The white dudes in suits, that run the oil and mortgage companies. Their sheer arrogance in the face of questioning shows that they are a direct product of the very system that has created and is benefiting from this mess. No amount of eloquence and clever prose can mitigate a broke pocket.

My twenty six mile one way commute has become a $70 a week gas excursion. I may like my job, but somehow parting with close to $280.00 a month to get there, wasn't in my plan. It's called budget defying economics. How to stretch every dollar so that it meets your needs while circumnavigating the beltway, has become a version of economic roulette. If you're not getting ticked off at being cut off, then the price of tomatoes will make you blow a gasket. So now, I'm not as tolerant of my boss or co-workers. My employees are getting on my nerves with their questionable work habits and timeliness valuelessness (now that rhymes). Can't quit the job though, it's barely paying for the gas to get me there.

Consider me a skeptic and pessimist. I have a huge suspicion that while we have been watching -with keen interest- the terrorist warnings levels go from orange to red, to green and back up again; the terrorists have been watching our gas prices go from $3 to $3.50 to $3.71. We have ignored the fact that this may just be a new form of terrorism. There has to be some satisfaction in watching us squirm and complain about gas prices. There must be some deep satisfaction in knowing that thousands of Americans have and will lose their homes. That the system of credit dependence has allowed smug looks like the ones of the oil and mortgage company presidents we saw on television. Someone is happy watching our economy implode. Evidently it might be some of our own people. We all know the government is not doing enough to mitigate this situation. I love the economic stimulus package, but it won't go to pay for my gas. I have a mortgage, wife and kid. It would be uncivilized to use any of it to pay Hussein El Bin Al Sadab to build another palace or diamond earrings for his ninth wife.

So as rhetoric builds about how to fix this royal mess, I can only sit in awe at how we will survive. If the housing crisis isn't an indicator, then leaving my car at home and using a moped should be. We're sick and tired of being sick and tired. The way I see it, I need to call over to Pennsylvania avenue and ask if I can move into one of the guest rooms for a spell. It's closer to work.

"Girl Beat-Down" Gen Y Style

There's a story in the news about middle school girls in Clarksville, Indiana luring a girl to a parking lot for a beating. The subsequent link to the video -of this alleged beat down - shows two girls in what appears to be a hair pulling contest. Since the incident in Florida in which some high school girls mauled a fellow schoolmate, it appears the media has 'suddenly' gotten a sensitivity to the depravity of our youth and their propensity for violence. This is the media speaking and not me. Just thought I'd make this clear.

You see any self respecting internet guru -which literally means most teens-will tell you that all you have to do is type the words "girl beat-downs" on YouTube and you will get a plethora of videos. In fact you can filter by savage, hair pulling, nasty, vicious, dangerous, or any other connotation. What we seem to forget as adults, is that what we considered a private environment is now the 'new' public forum for our youth. The world -through the internet- is their audience. Neighborhood fights can be broadcast for all to see. No longer do I have to tell you that I beat up that kid, you can watch the video.

I feel concerned that this new arena has desensitized many of us -including me- into viewing this video and in essence thinking, "Is that it?" Why would anyone be upset about what appears to be a normal girl fight. I mean you want to see a fight? Go to YouTube and type in, "Girls Brawling or Brawlin". The latter spelling compensates for all our youth who can't spell. In fact default to the latter prior to utilizing the former. Oh heck, seeing as some of the very teens who post this stuff may be reading this, I'll make it clearer, use brawlin in your search before you use brawling, you'll have greater success (more hits).

Our kids are not using the same rules we did, nor do they have any wish to do so. What concerns me is that we as adults are getting into the habit of typecasting the majority of Generation Y, based on a few public 'spotlights' broadcast. Fighting has always occurred amongst teens, it's a right of passage. However, kids are airing it on the internet, now that's new. It's the ultimate bragging right or humiliation. Rock and Roll was from hell; "peace and love" kids needed to be locked up, disco was taboo, and hip hop is the reason most black men are in jail. At least that's the way it has been represented in the media over the years.

We must come to the basic realization that unless we engage our youth in a dialog, we are doomed to repeat the very mistakes our parents made with us. Research shows that this generation is poised to be the next 'great' generation. Ask most parents and they'll dispute this vehemently. That lazy kid who won't get up to mow the lawn, is supposed to grow up to be great? Well parent, I have a suggestion, film him, post it on YouTube and MySpace under the heading "Lazy Bum". You might just get him up. After all, his friends are watching.

If "Imus" Disagree

It appears as if Don Imus is back on the scene. Yes this is the man that called the African-American women on the Rutgers basketball team -"Nappy headed Ho's". The very same guy who all the furor was about. He has managed to get himself another radio show. He has a multi million dollar contract with WABC. After the public outcry, he eventually lost his job and multi-million dollar contract. He did a tour of contrition interviews and took a back seat for a spell. But alas, with America being the land of the free and all, someone is always rooting for the underdog and, drum roll please "he's back!"

So aren't black folk offended? I don't think many are asking the question. It's been done with such speed and secrecy that there was barely time to react. A quick story on CNN two days before his scheduled show and "bang" he's in. What I think black American folks should be offended at is not the fact that Imus is back; that was inevitable. It is the fact that some corporations believe that black America's dissenting voices and complaints and the indignities bestowed on us are so immaterial in the American landscape, that they are willing to blatantly and unabashedly rub our noses in the dirt and minimize our stature. We are evidently so second class that we do not even deserve a year off by Mr. Imus. In words that will echo for generations, Phil Boyce, WABC-AM program director said "Obviously we are doing this because we think we can make more money," There's an opportunity to charge more for our advertising rates. I am not ashamed of saying it is about the money. We are running a business."(taken from cnn.com article announcing Imus' return).

So there you have it; public opinion caused the firing, but money resurrected Imus. What's worse, is that Boyce is probably right. I can guarantee you that Imus' morning show is probably already sold out of commercial spots. That's the American way. The same way someone actually sat down with O.J Simpson and wrote that dumb book, "If I did it"; or you actually have paparazzi following Kevin Federline (Britney Spears ex-husband), is the same way that someone could ignore common sense and bring back Imus. Believe me when I say, I have nothing against second chances, heck I've had some of those. But then again, "I did not have intercourse with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." Does that ring a bell? If my memory serves me correct, we're not even a year removed from Imus' insult are we? "Man these guys move quick!" That is what America is all about, the movement of money. Even at the cost of cultural, social or moral injustice.

That he is back makes it just blatantly insulting and socially ignorant. At least give the wounds time to heal. Give the guy time to write a book titled, "If I hadn't done it". He's so buck ugly, he could have even had plastic surgery while he waited for us to forget a bit. There was even time for etiquette lessons on where and when it's appropriate to refer to women as Ho's. "That is never, Imus!" But as it stands, we are being told that they believe Imus has learned his lesson. Mr. Boyce says, "He'll obviously be wiser, smarter and a bit more careful. He's learned from this. I'm not concerned that he'll have a repeat." I can assure you that he has learned nothing and hasn't changed anything. He will just be a little bit more careful about what he says. He has always been controversial and many white folks like him just the way he was (is). He says exactly what some white Americans would like to say and are too afraid to do in public. So privately, Imus is the voice of some of white America, many of whom will be tuning into his show to welcome him back.

You see, demographic ignorance is our primary curse. As a united bunch of buffoons we call each other nigger and other such ignorant terms in the name of art, humor or anger and yet we scream blue murder when some blue collar white guy does so on the radio. This is why Imus is back, because we have trivialized the impact of these words in our social structure and embraced these derogatory terms as verse leading to cultural immunization. Our children use many of these terms like you would use "dude". So for my 'peeps' (slang for people) we might as well all take this one on the chin and realize just how powerless we are in this country. Unless we truly make ourselves heard in a lasting and resounding sort of way and maintain an altered sense of morality and cultural awareness. Jena, Louisiana happened in the year 2008, imagine that?

So welcome back Don Imus, and I dare you to utter the word "Ho" again!