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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Lingerie in Saudi Arabia

I just read that women in Saudi Arabia have decided to boycott lingerie shops. One would immediately think that this was related to some religious issue. I must warn my usual readers, that we are going where no man has gone before, into the ladies department. One small step for me, a giant step for you. I must also warn you that some of you will be moving to Saudi Arabia.

Here is the declaration; "Only men can work as lingerie salesmen in Saudi Arabia." There it is, out in the open. Let's get out of the way of the mass migration. Men everywhere are packing their bags or getting ready to line up at the Saudi Arabian embassy. Stop, before you reach for your phone,or line up for a work visa; there's a catch. There is currently a huge uproar in Saudi Arabia, women are flabbergasted and embarrassed at being forced to endure this shameful experience. On my behalf I wonder how long this has been going on, and why I didn't know about it sooner.

Okay men; ever wanted to get a job at Victoria's Secret? No? Ever thought about it? All the married guys are backing away slowly. Okay if you were single and had the resolve, would you apply? I don't think there's a man's man alive who is completely comfortable in this environment, no matter how much you like lingerie (I need to be careful here). So how does this happen in a country that has not given women equal rights? Furthermore, barely allows them to show any skin in public. Lingerie being sold by men?

I know that in America there would be no discriminating against any male who applied for a job at an intimate apparel store. Yeah, right! I can imagine telling all my boys at the pool hall about how I made my quota in brassiere sales over the weekend. "Hey Bernard, have you seen the latest design in thongs? The D-cup straps are made quite hardy!" No, I don't see it. How these men have survived in a macho driven culture like Saudi Arabia is beyond me. This in a country that won't allow women to drive in public? Someone buy me a drink.

I am trying hard not to make this a religious discourse. However, I am quite confused and unable to understand the hypocrisy. So the next time you're in Victoria's Secret, feeling awkward about escorting the wife, get really involved in the process, it might come in handy in the future.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Kibaki has only one wife

I just finished watching the press conference by Kenya's President Kibaki in which he quite emphatically states that he has only one wife. As he makes his grand oratory, his wife stands very nonplussed at his side, glaring at the crowd. It is quite clear that whatever these Kenyan reporters have been saying about her husband's extra-marital affairs, is being taken very seriously in the Kibaki household.

Her chest pumps very visibly as her husband speaks. You can almost see the fumes escaping from the top of her head as she slowly stews in her anger at the audacity of the reporters.Her husband is delving into the family tree now and making it clear that his four children are the only ones sired by his loins. He reiterates that any acknowledgment otherwise, is fallacy. She glares from side to side at the crowd as if daring anyone to speak.

At the feeble end of his statement, the President invites questions. The silence is deafening. Yet even in this comedy of situations, this embarrassment of state, a brave soul speaks up and asks a question. The President's answer seems inadequate as Mrs. Kibaki questions the origins of the reporter's employ. His answer doesn't satiate her as she berates the reporters for making their lives a misery by spreading lies. She invites more questions.

The air is heavy with the anticipation of her next move. Her heaving chest continues to pump and her adrenalin builds. She threatens that not only will she sue, but informs us that she was tempted to visit said newspaper and put a hurting on the reporters. This act, she reminds us, would be much like the one she performed when she beat up the last reporter who said something about her.

Her 'blood lust' satiated, she turns to walk away with the President. As the doors open on their exit, this visibly old and angry woman, casts a very daunting shadow on the presidency of Kenya. It is quite evident that her influence is strong enough to cause such a stir, such a public humiliation of a Presidency. President Kibaki seems quite harmless compared to her. If indeed he does have children out of wedlock as well as another wife, I think that Kibaki has much to fear.

So I applaud Mr. Kibaki for single handedly dropping the stock of African Presidency by at least another twenty five notches. He and Rupiah Banda of Zambia are poised to become the next great act, much like Abbott and Costello.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


I was supposed to stay respectful and calm
Not try to turn on the charm
But I couldn't
Okay, it wasn't that I couldn't
I wouldn't

See, I thought about it for a minute
How I always want to play
like I'm still in it
But the game has changed in so many ways
Folks doing things
we can't even say

That's the irony
of this life battle
Ain't too many folks
believing in being subtle
It's in your face philosophy
Yes, that's become the new policy

Boys can't be boys anymore
Seems that girls
decided to even the score
What once was petting
has gone extinct
Our sex, now foreplay I think

Girls aggressive as men
Acting dainty treated insane
The world wearing no shame
Even as a generation goes

So how has it come to this?
This now passionless face
that delivers a Judas kiss
With no emotion shown
Not even amongst this ecstatic throng
It all doesn't belong

Like a thief in the night
The void has come
To separate and shuck
Those that dare to be upright
From their obvious plight
I say
the void has come
To strengthen the brethren
for this final run
as they make their last dash
into heaven

We know it is time
For us to claim the song
Wait for the resounding note
of that impending gong
To those who have waited
this long
That find solace in God's apron
There can be nothing less
than to come meekly and confess

Soneka K. Kamuhuza 2009